Spiritual Manipulation in The Excellent Wife

I’ve written before about 7 elements of spiritual manipulation that are often found in Christian marriage books.

As I write my critique of The Excellent Wife, I want to take the time to see if we can identify those elements in that book.

 

1. Out-of-context scripture

There are many instances throughout this book where the author has cherry picked scripture verses to make them say something they do not mean. Here is an example:

“The key to overcoming fear is love (I John 4:18). Fear will certainly ruin a godly atmosphere in any home. If you are fearful your responsibility is to repent” (p. 78).

This passage in I John is actually a beautiful description of God’s perfect love for us. In no way is it about the idea that fearing your spouse is a sin. (I have a whole post about Fear and The Excellent Wife here.)

2. Speaking for God

This is also found over and over throughout the book.

For example, wives are told,

• “What it really means to be a godly wife”
• How to be “The wife God desires”
• What “The Will of God for Every Wife” is
• “This truth is so important to God”
• How to be “The wife God wants you to be”
• “God wants you to”
• “God has always intended”
• “It is important to God”
• “The standard God has clearly laid out”

The problem with these statements is that they make the reader feel as if they must follow whatever instructions are being given because who can go against God? 

Yet these statements are simply the author’s interpretation of the Bible; they are not God’s personal instructions to the reader. The author of a book is not an authority on anyone’s life or situation. 

 

3.  Isolation

 

“The world makes fun of the June Cleavers, that devoted television wife and mother from the 1950’s. The world is deceived” (p. 76).”

 

“Unfortunately, the feminist philosophy on the role of the woman has permeated every aspect of our culture including our churches. Perhaps you have been influenced in subtle ways of which you are not aware. God wants to protect you from the influence of the world” (p. 16).

This language of “protecting” the reader from “the world” is actually isolating them from obtaining information that is contrary to the author’s personal beliefs. In spite of the fact that there are scripturally-based arguments that women are not obligated to place themselves into the June Cleaver boxes the author says, the reader is warned not to hear those arguments out. To consider any information outside of the thought-bubble the author presents is considered dangerous and deceived.

 

4. Fear

“A wife should remind herself of the potential grievous consequences of not being submissive. Some of these consequences are personal embarrasment, loss of reward at the judgment seat of Christ, Divine discipline, church discipline, and/or disqualification of her husband from the office of elder or deacon…God will do what he has to do to turn you from your rebellion to humble submission. Many times those consequences are painful, embarrasing, and very difficult to endure” (p. 185).

Fear is one the most commonly used forms of manipulation. The threat of consequences for not falling in line is very motivating. No wife wants to endure painful consequences for not being submissive, so she feels she must do whatever the author says would demonstrate her submissiveness.

 

5.  The author holds the “key” to your problems

I was honestly surprised at how many times the author used this exact word “key”. It was also interesting how many times it was used in relation to a wife feeling afraid of her husband. Women with husbands who make them feel afraid are led to believe they can make the abuse (or their fear of the abuse) go away if they will do just the right thing. For example:

• “The key to overcoming fear is love” (p. 78).
• “The biblical key to overcoming her fear is to trust God and love her husband” (p. 99).
• “What can a wife do to overcome her fear? One key to overcoming fear is simply doing what is right” (p. 144).
• “The key for her to overcome her fear is to put on love” (p. 222).

 

6. Logical Fallacies and Contradictions

Describing these is a little tricky because they involve very large pieces of context.

For example, the author says that abuse is wrong and that a wife suffering abuse should get to safety. However, elsewhere in the book there are charts about thoughts a wife might have that are sinful. These include thoughts like, “I wish he would leave me alone” or “He did that on purpose to hurt me”. It is impossible to recognize that one is in danger if thinking thoughts acknowledging the harm the perpetrator is doing are sinful.

There are other instances throughout the book where something that is  written in one place contradicts what is written elsewhere. Good and helpful things are canceled out, creating confusion for the reader. This also leaves the author in a place of power if someone were to question harmful things she has said. She has the ability to say, “It’s not my fault it was harmful. I didn’t mean it that way. See over here where I said this good thing? When you read the contradictory part, you just must have misunderstood.”

 

7. Legalistic thinking

This book contains charts upon charts that contain checklists of do’s and don’ts, down to the very thoughts you are allowed to think. Anything out of the box the author has drawn for the reader is deemed wrong, displeasing to God, and sinful.

 

In conclusion, I do not know the author’s heart or motives. I would hope that her words are well-meaning, but I do believe they are misguided. And I am certain that these elements of spiritual manipulation, whether intentional or not, are deeply harmful to the reader. The testimonies of those whose perception of  who God is has been seriously tainted (and for some completely shattered) through what they have read in this book are too numerous to count.

Dear reader, if you have experienced the harm of spiritual manipulation in this book or others like it, my hope is that someday you will experience unconditional love that is not dependent on following any lists or checking any boxes.

I want you to know there is a God who doesn’t determine whether he loves you by how much you suffer. He doesn’t bind anyone up with the burden of keeping a bunch of rules. He just loves you, just because he does.