Spiritual Manipulation in Christian Marriage Books
As I’ve written before, although the authors of Christian marriage books may be well-intended, I nevertheless have a problem with the vast majority of books written for Christian wives or couples.
Popular books like Love and Respect, The Power of a Praying Wife, and The Excellent Wife have an underlying theme that can cause vast damage to their readers.
That theme is spiritual manipulation.
I am not saying that every author who writes these books is purposely being spiritually abusive or is a bad person. I don’t doubt that many are well-meaning and intend no harm.
From what I have observed, spiritual manipulation takes place in more Christian “self-help” books than not. Any book that proposes to teach you how to be a good _____ (wife, parent, etc.) from a “Biblical perspective” generally incorporates spiritually manipulative tactics.
The books I’m talking about range from using harsh language (for example Debi Pearl calls women “dumb clucks” when they don’t follow her advice) to using gentle words to persuade the reader to live their life “God’s way.” From my observation, though, the effects of both are equally bad. Whether an author outright says wives should do whatever their abusive husband wants or whether an author gently assures women that their “harsh” husband will come around if they simply continue to have a “quiet spirit”, either way, women do not come away from such books feeling at liberty to leave their abuser and seek safety and freedom for themselves and their children.
There are numerous articles and books around about spiritual abuse, and I am glad for the people who do such good work bringing clarity to people who are stifled under the oppressive thumb of spiritually abusive spouses and/or church leadership.
I’ve adapted much of the information I’ve gleaned about spiritual abuse and manipulation to try to describe what it looks like when done through the medium of a book.
Again, I am not accusing every single author of being intentionally manipulative; however, if you look closely at the way they present their material, it is indeed spiritually manipulative. Additionally, the results of their work speak for themselves. Good intentions mean nothing when the actual impact of their work has resulted in untold devastation in the lives of thousands of people.
Here are the tactics of spiritual manipulation I’ve observed in a large number of Christian marriage and parenting books:
1. Out-of-context scripture
Instead of exegeting scripture within its proper context, authors cherry-pick Bible verses and use them to add weight to their own opinions. (One of the easiest books to see an example of this is in the book Love and Respect. Many of the scripture quotations are in call-out boxes throughout the book where you can easily find them. Go look up some of these verses and read them in their full context. Most of the time they have absolutely nothing to do with the point the author is trying to make.)
2. Speaking for God
Following their usage of out-of-context Bible verses, authors will then go on to say that “God says you must ____.” The implication is that if you disagree with the author, you are disagreeing with God himself. Unsuspecting Christians don’t want to rebel against what “God wants” them to do, therefore they find it very difficult to think any thoughts that are contradictory to the book, even though their gut may be telling them differently.
3. Isolation
There is a mentality of “you’re either ‘in’ or you’re ‘out’. Authors use language like “the world says ______” (you need medication for depression, it’s oppressive for women to be relegated to the kitchen, etc.) or “Those who say _____ are deceived by the devil.”
Isolation is a powerful tactic of abuse. To even think contradictory thoughts from the rest of the group is to risk not being “in”; and to be “out” is to be left without support or resources. It feels safer to stay inside the circle than to risk being cut off from one’s friends, church, family, etc. If you’re “in” the church, you can’t risk thinking thoughts that “the world” thinks.
4. Fear
It’s been widely established that fear is another tactic that has a powerful influence in the ability to manipulate people.
If you look closely in the marriage and parenting books, you will find an undercurrent of fear – in particular there is a strong cultivation of the fear of not being pleasing to God and of being punished by him for your worldliness, disobedience, idolatry, etc.
An overt example of this is Debi Pearl making the case that if you leave your abuser you’ll be living in a dumpy trailer, working as a waitress while your babysitter’s boyfriend sexually abuses your kids.
5. The author holds the “key” to your problems
On one hand, this is marketing 101. Identify a pain point in your target audience, then sell them the solution. This is how publishers sell books, so this is how authors must write if they want book deals.
But on the other hand, this is also how to operate a cult. Whatever troubles people are experiencing, they can look to you to give them the answers. This is what made Bill Gothard such a sensation – he targeted families who wanted assurance that their children would not go the way of the world and gave them all the “keys” to produce their desired result. Look at Christian marriage and parenting books and you’ll find the same thing. For example, Emerson Eggerichs says, “The Love and Respect Connection is the key to any problem in a marriage.” His advertising material uses testimonials such as “You’re onto something huge here!”
6. Logical Fallacies
If something is “God’s unchanging truth” it cannot also be a secret, revolutionary idea. In order to adopt the author’s viewpoint, one is required to suspend critical thinking. Logical fallacies and contradictions abound in every book I’ve examined, but because the foundation of the above elements has already been laid (Fear of disobeying God, of thinking “worldly” thoughts and therefore being “out”, etc.) shutting down one’s logic is the, uh…logical(?) next step. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense – God said it and that settles it!
7. Legalistic thinking
No matter how vigilant an author’s efforts to write in a way that doesn’t sound like formulas or rules, anything that proposes that your marriage, parenting, or whatever other aspect of your life must be done *this way* because it is “God’s way” is a law-based mentality. There is very little I’ve ever seen written that simply encourages believers to walk in the Spirit. When the Holy Spirit is included it is usually in the form of, “If you’re walking in the spirit, you will be doing _____ (whatever thing the author thinks you ought to be doing.)” This is also subtle manipulation. Rather than trusting that each believer is personally empowered by the Spirit and has personal access to the perfect wisdom of God, they prescribe to believers what they’re supposed to do and how they’re supposed to it, and if they don’t do it they’re assumed to be disobedient to God. The manipulation process is in full swing, and it’s incredibly subtle.
The more I observe these subtle forms of spiritual manipulation, the more pervasive find them to be. I’m not saying it’s in 100% of Christian books, but it ‘s in A LOT. I’m not saying the author of every book is even doing it on purpose – I believe many are themselves bound in their own prison of trying to micromanage their own actions to do all of the things “the right way” in an attempt to please God.
I’m likely to amend this list as I acquire even more knowledge of spiritual abuse, but for now I hope it’s useful to you as you look through books. Do you see the author using these tactics? Whether it’s done intentionally to abuse, whether it’s an outpouring of the author’s own legalistic mentality, or whether it’s just marketing language to sell more books, the harm done is the same.
The law kills.
The good news is that the Spirit gives life.
There’s no secret key, and you can walk away from those who claim to offer it.
